Probably the last entry for a long time...

Few still keep up with this, I know one person who said she does but other than that -- well anyways.

I'm leaving soon, not sure what's going to happen. I've been working hard and hope that hard work pays off. I'm feeling disconnected for the most part, like nothing seems real anymore. Been seeing things, hallucinations? I'm not so sure but clues for something I can't yet identify. My mom is the only person I've really trusted with the details... hard to trust anyone--myself included. All that is clear is I don't expect anyone to be there when this is over. I've led a life of intentional and unintentional alienation and am sure to see the karma of it all.

Trying to find the meaning and keep developing the roots into something entirely new.

I did this for me. Most of my life I've tried to keep from hurting people and spare what happiness I can to even make others happy... This is not one of those cases. I didn't care to think about who I would make happy or hurt, what approval or disappointment I would receive. I never cared enough when I finally weighed it all out. I will always be loyal to the ones I've come to love; the ones I have loved; the ones I will always love. I don't need your approval but I do wish for your blessing regardless. I hope you love me enough to grant me that.

I know I have brought temporary and meaningless joy into some lives; I hope that changes. I've always wanted to be everything to everyone, the savior everyone wishes for... maybe, just maybe that can be true some day.

My mission is complicated and difficult...

Go after the one I love
Establish a base of security for everyone I care about
Save the world ------

soul by soul